I won’t give up

Roundtable #39: Father’s Day Open Adoption Roundtable 

This post is in response to the Open Adoption Roundtable discussion.  The forum asks to write to someone or some group in the adoption constellation.

He was placed for adoption over seven years ago.  I was unaware the adoption took place until about three months ago.  My blog post (Murphy’s Law) discusses the chain of events that lead up to today.  I still haven’t met G (son) yet but luckily the ap (adoptive parents) have been great and they are open to allowing me to connect with my son.  The communication and relationship with them thus far has exceeded my expectations and I’m optimistic that great things are around the corner for everyone involved.  Even with all the positive light surrounding my situation, I still sit here a bit empty on Fathers Day.  That is why I decided to write to my son.

Write to someone else in the adoption constellation (someone specific or a general group). What do you want to say to them on Father’s Day?

Dear G,

You don’t know me yet but I pray that will change soon. I’m writing you on Fathers Day but I really have no idea when this will ever get to you.  I hope that you have something special planned for your Dad today.  After I met your parents it gave me peace knowing that you are being raised by such a loving family. I know that your mom is going to gradually speak with you about me and let this situation run its proper course.  She has been so thoughtful since we met by updating me on your life and sharing more about you.  We have been  communicating through instant messaging and emailing as well.  I hang on to every word that is shared about you and go to bed curious as to how you are doing.  It sounds like you love sports and have a great heart.  I want to apologize to you for any confused feelings that you might have.  It brings tears to my eyes when I think of what might be going through your mind.  I will never forgive myself for not doing more.  I want you to know that I’m sorry that I have missed the majority of your childhood.  This fall you will be starting second grade and your parents tell me that you really enjoy school.  I hope that you continue to embrace school and it’s challenges and I hope that we can form a relationship where I can be of assistance in your learning.  There are so many things that I want to tell you and  so much that I want you to know.  G,  your life means so much to me and I promise that I am going to do everything possible to prove that to you. When I look through the photo album your parents made for me I see so many similarities between us. You spike your hair exactly like I did when I was a kid and you have a look in your eyes that I seem to fully understand.  If I could have one wish this Fathers Day it would be to see you. I want to play catch with you, shoot hoops with you, hear what your voice sounds like, go swimming, or even just have a silly conversation and share jokes.  I want to meet your older sister and your little sister.  I want to meet your friends and your doggies. In my heart I believe that all of the above is still possible and I feel blessed that your parents seem open to that idea.  I’m not sure how often we will see each other because I can’t make that decision.  However, I assure you that I will embrace whatever situation that awaits. With today being Fathers Day I want you to know that I respect your Dad and I admire him for allowing me the opportunity to have a relationship with you.  I would be lying if I said that I don’t get sad or jealous at times.  I have learned that it’s okay for me to have a mixed bag of emotions.  I’m sure you have questions and I promise to answer any questions that you have for me.  I will be spending my Fathers Day with my dad (your Grandpa) and your sisters.  I’m not sure if you even know you have sisters yet but they definitely know of you.  They ask questions about you, they look at your pictures, and they can’t wait to meet you and your family.  They are somewhat confused about the situation but little by little they are starting to piece things together.  Your youngest sister really doesn’t understand much but if I show her a photo of you she knows exactly who it is.  When we go to bed every night we pray for you, we pray for your family, and we pray that we meet sooner rather than later. I think about you all the time G. I have a song that I downloaded on iTunes that is dedicated to you. I play it towards the end of my long runs because it gives me motivation to end the run with purpose. The song speaks to me when I listen to it and I’m not normally someone that gets attached to a song or lyrics. I really want you to hear it.  I thought about emailing it to your Mom but for whatever reason I haven’t decided to share with her.  The song is about a mans relentless pursuit for a relationship.  It’s a relationship that means so much to him and one that many would walk away from.

The song is titled  “I won’t give up” and it’s written by singer/songwriter Jason Mraz.

 (The link to the song is above, should you want to download.) The melody is perfect and the lyrics are powerful.  There are a few verses from the song that really hit home that I want to share with you.

and when you are needing your space

to do some navigating

I’ll be here patiently waiting

to see what you find.

The song goes on….

we’ve got a lot to learn

God knows we’re worth it

The most powerful part of the song is highlighted below.

I don’t want to be someone that walks away so easily, I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make.

Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts we got, yeah we got a lot at stake.

and in the end you’re still my friend at least we didn’t tend for us to work we didn’t break, we didn’t burn.

we had to learn how to bend without the world caving in,

I had to learn what I got, and what I’m not, and who I am.

I won’t give up on us, even if the skies get rough, God knows I’m tough enough, we’ve got a lot to learn, God knows we’re worth it.

I won’t give up on us, even if the skies get rough, I’m giving you all my love, I’m still looking up.

This blog and song is dedicated to you G.  I won’t give up on us and I’m not going to walk away.  I want to make a difference in your life.  God knows we’re worth it.

Love,

Your other Dad.

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2 Comments ↓

2 Comments on “I won’t give up”

  1. Monika Zimmerman June 18, 2012 at 9:34 pm #

    As a birth mom, this brings tears to my eyes. I ache for changes in legislature that will make it possible and part of the process for fathers to be involved in the relinquishment decision just as the mothers are. After all, we’re not moms without dads. Yes, there are rapes and dads that choose not to be involved, but I want to make it possible for the dads TO be involved if they so choose.

    This is a beautiful post. I hope your son gets a chance to read this letter to him, and I hope that you get the relationship that you and your son BOTH need.

    Also, there’s a new website out there started by a birth father for birth fathers to share their stories too. It’s called Birthfathers Recognized (http://www.birthfathersrecognized.org/index.html). Just thought you might like to know.

  2. Name June 19, 2012 at 2:30 am #

    Thank you for sharing. As an adoptive family I GREATLY appreciate seeing your prespective. We have told our children their birth fathers loved them enough to parent through adoption, but honestly their birth dads did not know they existed…so for now as young children we paint a good picture of loving responsible birth fathers and pray that someday when they met, and I am sure they will I pray their BF live up to being the good men we have believed them to be. THANK YOU

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